So, I've started writing this post many time. It's not very Merry Christmasie (is that a word?) Why now? I guess because once again it's gotten too big and my heart needs to burst.
My life seems to have themes...some come and go and then there is this one thread that is constant, nagging and down right painful...Loss/Grief. I've tried ignoring it, boxing it up and stuffing it in the back, facing it and then moving on.... and for awhile all of those work, but as life would have it before long I'm again faced with another opportunity to be intimately acquainted, again.
Today, it's facing the first Christmas time with half my children gone. It's not what I planned and I don't like it! I tease my sister, Em, because she isn't big on doing things alone. The older I get the more I realize how important it is to have my children around, participating in our family traditions. What makes is worse, what overwhelms me with grief is that this was not the plan...ok, not my plan. Mychel-Anne, I knew that was coming. I had 18 years to prepare. I know it would still have stung, but when you add Nathan's absence...well, it's just too much.
Slowly, patiently, lovingly I think Heavenly Father is trying to teach me to feel. I gotta tell you...not really liken it. Hard feeling are like dental visits...they have a purpose but no need to have them more often than absolutely necessary. But, since all my other methods of dealing with it haven't really been working for me...I'm trying the feeling thing...alright already...can we be done now?
In the end I guess this really is about Christmas. The core. The heart. Jesus. He came for us...each of us. He came for me. He knows me and still loves me...how amazing is that? If you are struggling this holiday season, sista or brother come on over (physically or virtually) and get a hug. I believe in hugs. Words...not as dependable or helpful sometimes. Listening on the other hand....priceless.
Ok...enough feeling for one day. Maybe I'll just go eat some sugar cookie dough. I can tell ya that will make me feel something and look at all the calories I'll save by not having frosting! Mychel-Annie...want some? Come and get it!