Saturday, December 13, 2008

My heart hurts...

So, I've started writing this post many time. It's not very Merry Christmasie (is that a word?) Why now? I guess because once again it's gotten too big and my heart needs to burst.

My life seems to have themes...some come and go and then there is this one thread that is constant, nagging and down right painful...Loss/Grief. I've tried ignoring it, boxing it up and stuffing it in the back, facing it and then moving on.... and for awhile all of those work, but as life would have it before long I'm again faced with another opportunity to be intimately acquainted, again.

Today, it's facing the first Christmas time with half my children gone. It's not what I planned and I don't like it! I tease my sister, Em, because she isn't big on doing things alone. The older I get the more I realize how important it is to have my children around, participating in our family traditions. What makes is worse, what overwhelms me with grief is that this was not the plan...ok, not my plan. Mychel-Anne, I knew that was coming. I had 18 years to prepare. I know it would still have stung, but when you add Nathan's absence...well, it's just too much.

Slowly, patiently, lovingly I think Heavenly Father is trying to teach me to feel. I gotta tell you...not really liken it. Hard feeling are like dental visits...they have a purpose but no need to have them more often than absolutely necessary. But, since all my other methods of dealing with it haven't really been working for me...I'm trying the feeling thing...alright already...can we be done now?

In the end I guess this really is about Christmas. The core. The heart. Jesus. He came for us...each of us. He came for me. He knows me and still loves me...how amazing is that? If you are struggling this holiday season, sista or brother come on over (physically or virtually) and get a hug. I believe in hugs. Words...not as dependable or helpful sometimes. Listening on the other hand....priceless.

Ok...enough feeling for one day. Maybe I'll just go eat some sugar cookie dough. I can tell ya that will make me feel something and look at all the calories I'll save by not having frosting! Mychel-Annie...want some? Come and get it!

10 comments:

Beth said...

I do not look forward to understanding your grief. Yesterday, at the commisary, I met a lady who was talking about how she is not going to visit her family in Atlanta because her children don't show gratitude when she comes. I wanted to yell at her and tell her how prideful she was being and contentious and selfish. I was so upset by her comments because there are so many people who don't have the choice as to whether they can see their family at Christmas. I know next Christmas my husband will be in the Middle East and that's going to suck, just like it did the first time. I do not mean to vent. I am sorry you are sad, but I am glad that you are not complaining about something you have a choice about, if that makes any sense.
BTW, we had a lot of fun today, thank you

Ellie said...

Mom! How freaking dare you put this up, and then expect me to see it and so i do. AFTER, i've gotten ready and put on my makeup. Now I have to go redo all my makeup! I love you mom! And along with the bbq you're bring out bring out a cookie!

Emily said...

ouch. hugs, not words. did ya feel it?

MCMULLIN FAMILY said...

Wish I could give you a hug. You are in my thoughts . . . always.

She who must be obeyed! said...

I think we need a "hugs lunch" or aomething! Let's gather the stressed and suffering and do the comfort eating thing right baby!

BoufMom9 said...

I am so sorry you are feeling loss this blessed season. i am glad you are turning to your faith to see you through.
As always, I am thinking of your family and praying for peace & understanding.
Much love always,
Debi

Chrystina said...

I love you! It is so true, though I am not facing their departure, but they grow up so fast and while I had them knowing this was a fact of life, I am still not prepared for it. NOR do I handled it so well. Your post was touching and truer words from a mom's point of view could not have been penned! Thank you!

sarah baldwin said...

how did you do that under the "leave your comment" i love it. and... you know my loss. heavenly father does want us to feel so that we can ultimately feel HIS love. and ouch. it hurts. it hurts because we haven't been feeling it. i love you. sometimes we do just need a hug. oh how i need a hug. squeeze. feel me there? xoxo s.

Lisa Bham said...

Love you Shelice. Lots of hugs.000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000

JBHM said...

Hi Murphy clan. It's the Hancocks. Just found your blog sight and read your post. If I could send a big hug over the internet I would. So I will send one out into space and hope you feel it. ((( you ))) BYW that is me hugging you. We love you all very much. Be safe.